Hi Reader,

This week's post covers steps 6-10 for how to call people forward. Thanks for reading.

Calling People Forward: A Family Systems Approach to Resistance (Part 2 of 2)

​Read on the Blog​

If you haven’t done so, I encourage you to read Part 1 of this post first. Both parts are based on the article, Calling People Forward Instead of Out: Ten Essential Steps, Justin Michael Williams and Shelly Tygielski

Once you’ve done the internal work in Steps 1-4, you’re ready to engage with someone who disagrees with you. This can be when you are leading change, working for justice, or trying to build greater connection in your family, congregation or organization.

The next six steps guide you through the conversation itself — how to speak, how to listen, and how to lead without controlling.

Step 5: Own Your Feelings

This is classic self‑definition. You start with “I feel…” not because it’s a communication trick, but because it keeps you out of defining the other person.

For example, you can say, “I felt hurt and insignificant after when I was shouted down in the meeting.”

You’re naming your experience without blaming. You’re taking responsibility for your emotional process. And you’re signaling that you’re not here to fight — you’re here to connect.

Another example: If you’re trying to lead a congregation from an inward to an outward focus, you can say, “I’m concerned that we no longer have a connection to the surrounding community.”

You’re stating your concern without telling others what they should think or feel. That’s self-differentiation.

Step 6: Create a Space of Connection and Compassion

A non‑anxious presence is not detached. You’re connected without being reactive. You’re open without being adaptive. You're willing to be vulnerable without demanding anything in return.

The authors quote Doe Zantamata, who said “It’s easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods”

Understanding is what lowers anxiety. Compassion is what keeps the relationship open. And connection is what makes transformation possible.

In systems terms, you’re staying connected without getting swept into the emotional process.

Step 7: Paint the Picture of the Vision

This is where calling forward really shines. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, you describe what could be right. You shift the conversation from arguing about the past to imagining the future.

The authors describe this as remaining committed to moving towards solutions rather than continuing to identify and analyze issues. To me, this is similar to focusing on emotional process rather than arguing content. That is, you avoid a conflict of wills by not getting into who's right and who's wrong but paint a picture of what's possible while giving the other the freedom to choose to follow.

In a congregational setting, you might say:
​“I look forward to the day when people in this community aren’t afraid to set foot in this building but actually want to come because they feel valued and loved unconditionally.”

You’re not pushing. You’re inviting. You’re leading from vision, not anxiety.

Step 8: Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

Avoidance is one of the most common anxiety‑management strategies in any system. Ironically, this not only increases your own anxiety, it increases anxiety in the system. It also allows triangles to form and resentment to build.

The simplest way to break the cycle is to schedule the conversation (see step 4). Preparing the space forces you to move toward the tension instead of away from it.

Courage is not the absence of anxiety. It’s the willingness to act calmly and intentionally despite it.

Step 9: Don’t Arrive with All the Solutions

Overfunctioning is a hallmark of anxious systems. Leaders often show up with a fully formed plan because it feels safer than tolerating uncertainty. But overfunctioning invites underfunctioning or reactivity, neither of which is helpful. It keeps the system stuck.

Curiosity is the antidote.

Ask open‑ended questions. Explore possibilities together. Remember that self‑differentiation means knowing what you believe and not insisting that your way is the only way.

When both parties contribute, the solution becomes shared rather than imposed.

Step 10: Don’t Attach Yourself to a Specific Outcome

This is essential to leadership through self-differentiation.

You cannot control another person’s functioning. You cannot force insight. You cannot accelerate someone else’s growth.

How quickly the other will transform, if at all, is not up to you.

When you release your attachment to outcomes, you free yourself to focus on what you can control — your own clarity, your own presence, your own effort.

This is how you stay grounded. This is how you stay connected. This is how you lead as a non-anxious presence.

Calling people forward is not a technique. It’s a way of being. It’s the practice of self‑differentiation in real time. It’s leadership rooted in clarity, compassion, and emotional maturity.

When you embody these ten steps, you shift the emotional field around you. You lower anxiety. You reduce reactivity. You create space for growth.

And you lead — not by force, but by presence.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations will help you lead in uncertain times.

​Leaders, It’s Time to Build Your Tolerance for Uncertainty by Simone Stolzoff. This article provides three concrete suggestions for how to learn to embrace challenge and uncertainty. If you've followed my work, you'll notice why these resonate with me.

​How the Best Leaders Normalize Not Knowing - Admired Leadership. Humility that you don't have all the answers is foundational to effective leadership. This article offers one way you can put this into practice.

Podcast

Episode 371 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, A Family Systems Take on Moral Foundations Theory (Part 1 of 2), is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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