Hi Reader,

I have a big announcement coming up in a few weeks. It's for a free tool that will help you apply family systems theory so you can grow as a non-anxious presence. Stay tuned.

This week's post is Part 1 of an approach to leading change through resistance that I've found really helpful. I hope you do, too. Thanks for reading.

Calling People Forward: A Family Systems Approach to Resistance (Part 1 of 2)

​Read on the Blog​

Every leader eventually runs into resistance. It doesn’t matter whether you’re leading a congregation, a nonprofit, a staff team, or your own family. The moment something important is at stake, anxiety rises, and people dig in. I’ve learned over the years that you can’t argue someone out of their deeply held values. You can’t shame them into growth. And you certainly can’t force them to see the world the way you do.

In their article, Calling People Forward Instead of Out: Ten Essential Steps, Justin Michael Williams and Shelly Tygielski, write “shaming, blaming, and guilting someone shuts down the center of their brain responsible for learning and growth.” That’s not just psychology — that’s family systems theory in action. When anxiety spikes, the thinking brain goes offline. The emotional system takes over. And once that happens, nobody is listening.

According to the authors, this is why “calling out” and “calling in” rarely work. Calling out is public correction. Calling in is private correction. Both assume you’re right, they’re wrong, and you have the authority to fix them. That’s a recipe for a conflict of wills. Once you’re in a conflict of wills, you’re stuck.

The alternative — and the one that aligns with family systems thinking — according to the authors is calling people forward. Calling forward is an invitation, not a confrontation. It’s not about fighting what’s wrong. It’s about pointing toward what’s possible. It’s self‑differentiation in practice: Here’s where I’m going. You’re free to come with me or not.

Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech is the perfect example. He didn’t shame. He didn’t scold. He painted a vision so compelling that people wanted to move toward it.

Calling forward is how non‑anxious leaders respond to resistance. And it starts long before the conversation itself. The first four steps are all internal work — the work of getting yourself ready so you can show up with clarity and calm.

One note, before I get into the ten steps. The article by Williams and Tygielski is excerpted from their book, How We Ended Racism: Realizing a New Possibility in One Generation. If you are concerned about issues of inclusion, diversity, equity and anti-racism, then their approach is a way to seek justice as a non-anxious presence. If not, they’re still a great guide for leading through resistance.

Let’s get started.

Step 1: Center in Your Vision

Self‑differentiation begins with knowing what you believe and where you’re headed. Before you talk to anyone else, you need to get clear on your own goals and values. Why does this matter to you? What future are you hoping for? What would it look like if things went well?

This is not about scripting your argument. It’s about grounding yourself, so you’re not pulled off center by someone else’s anxiety. In family systems terms, you’re regulating your own emotional process so you can stay connected without getting adaptive or reactive.

When you’re centered in your vision, you’re far more likely to speak calmly, listen well, and avoid the trap of trying to convince someone who doesn’t want to be convinced.

Step 2: Drop Your Stories

We all carry stories about other people — and those stories often say more about our own anxiety than about the person in front of us. “They don’t care.” “They’re only out for themselves.” “People like that never change.” These narratives feel true, but they’re usually projections.

Whatever stories you’re telling yourself, they get in the way of creating healthy emotional space for real conversation. In systems language, stories are part of the emotional process. They’re shortcuts our brains use to manage anxiety. Dropping your stories doesn’t mean pretending you have no biases. It means becoming aware of them, so they don’t run the show.

When you release your assumptions, you create space for curiosity — and curiosity is one of the most powerful tools a non‑anxious leader has.

Step 3: Assume Care, Concern, and Love

This step is deceptively simple and profoundly systems‑oriented. The authors suggest asking yourself:

“If I forced myself to assume this person’s actions were coming from a place of care, concern, and love, why might they have done what they did?”

This reframes the entire emotional field.

This is resisting the fundamental attribution error — the tendency to judge others by their actions but ourselves by our intentions. When we assume good intentions, we lower the emotional temperature. We shift from blame to understanding. And we make it possible to stay connected without getting reactive.

This doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. It simply positions you to engage from a place of calm rather than defensiveness. It’s taking responsibility for yourself without defining the other.

Step 4: Prepare the Space

Difficult conversations require intentionality. You can’t do this work on the fly or in the heat of the moment. Preparing the space is a systems intervention — it slows things down, interrupts reactivity, and creates a container where thoughtful conversation can happen.

A simple question like, “Do you have the capacity to talk tomorrow? It’s a sensitive subject, but I think it’s important,” does several things at once:

• It signals respect.
• It gives both of you time to regulate.
• It commits you to the conversation instead of avoiding it.
• It lowers the anxiety in the system.

And if things get heated in the moment, you can still create a pause: “Can we take a break and come back to this?” That’s not avoidance — that’s emotional regulation.

Preparing the space is how you set the tone for a healthy, grounded exchange.

In Part 2 of this post, I'll cover steps five through 10 from a family systems perspective.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations cover two other important components of dealing with resistance: emotional connection and resilience.

​Six Words That Build Trust (And Why We're Trained Not to Say Them) by Dr. Sunita Sah. You can't lead without emotional connection. These six words will help you do it better.

​Preparing to Be Resilient - Admired Leadership Field Notes Likewise, resilience is an essential leadership quality, but it doesn't happen automatically. This article shows you why and how to do better.

Podcast

Episode 370 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 5 Ways to Respond to System Anxiety, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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