Hi Reader,

This week's post is a reminder that it's OK to give in. Just make sure to own that choice.

Letting Go of the Need to Be Right

​Read on the Blog​

We never lock our doors. At least we didn’t used to.

But when my (now 102-year-old) mother came to live with us six years ago, thing changed. She worried about “robbers” coming in and attacking her. She would say, “I’m the first one they will get to when they come in.“

I tried being paradoxical and playful with her. I would say things like, “You can take them.“ Or “Just send them downstairs to us.“.

It didn’t work.

Paradox and playfulness are ways to avoid a conflict of wills. A conflict of wills occurs when you try to convince the other that you are right. The implication is that they are wrong. This usually doesn’t end well. The point of being paradoxical and playful is to push the other person in the other direction so they realize it’s not worth fighting.

But that didn’t work with my mom. She kept saying that she was the one the robbers were going to attack.

So the question was, what to do?

I say often that there is a constant tension between individuality and the pressure to conform (surrounding togetherness pressure). There was a part of me that didn’t want to give into my mom. I knew that she was being irrational. But I also knew that no amount of paradox and playfulness (let alone my logical arguments) were going to convince her that it was safe to leave the doors unlocked.

So I gave up my need to be right.

Self-differentiation isn’t always about standing your ground. Sometimes it’s knowing when to choose connection over individuality. That’s what I did in this situation with my mom. I learned to live with it.

I will admit that there are times when she asks to lock the doors and close the windows that I want to push back. But then I come to my senses, and I do what my mom asks. Even at age 64 I am still growing up. That’s life. And life is good.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations are a reminder that self-differentiation is about taking responsibility for self while remaining emotionally connected.

​“It’s your fault” | Seth's Blog This one-minute read highlights the difference between blaming and agency (taking responsibility for self). The latter creates choices and opportunities.

​Who's Trying to Manage You? - by Kathleen Smith This article has some great examples of how you can define self instead of engage in a conflict of wills. You might find a saying or two to keep in your pocket.

Podcast

Episode 366 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Favoritism, Family Systems, and the Work of Differentiation, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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