Hi Reader,
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If you live near Washington DC, or if you're willing to travel, consider the programs offered by The Center for Family Process, which was started by Edwin Friedman to help others learn to apply family systems theory. I've attended the Theory Day lectures in the past and expect to be at most of them this year. I'm also the presenter at the April 10, 2026 Theory Day. I'm happy to answer any questions you have.

This week's post is a different take on self-differentiation. Let me know what you think.

Three Things that Annoy Me

​Read on the Blog​

This is not a rant. It may come off that way. When you get to the end you’ll get where I’m going.

Certain things annoy me. They may strike you the same way. Here are three.

Illegal dumping.

This is not people who throw trash out their window while driving (although that annoys me, too). This is people dumping garbage or large scrap items where they shouldn’t. I live near a county boat ramp. There is a long, secluded, paved road to get there that I love to go down when I run. At the end is a parking lot attached to a large circle to access the boat ramp.

I was running one day and down the hill from the parking lot, up against a line of trees, was a large flat screen TV. Illegal dumping. It’s actually this TV that got me thinking and by the end of my run had this blog post pretty much in my head. I’ve seen old appliances on the side of the road near the camp where I work. Illegal dumping. It’s not only bad for the environment, but somebody is going to have to clean it up.

Inconsiderate parking.

I used to be a parking Nazi at work. We have limited staff parking and when people didn’t park efficiently, it annoyed me. I’ve been known to go inside and ask someone to re-park, so we could get more cars in the lot. I stopped doing that, but I’m sure I annoyed others with my annoyance.

What really annoys me is when people do this in public lots. The most annoying is the expensive car parked across two spots, so it won’t risk getting dinged. Almost as annoying is the sloppy parking job that takes two spots.

Which leads to the third. Another parking lot annoyance.

Stray shopping carts.

This is a routine occurrence. And it’s not just at Walmart. It’s happened to me at most every grocery store. It’s the shopping cart with its front wheels up on the curb (so it won’t roll away), which takes up enough of the parking space that I can’t park. If I want to park in the space, I have to drive into the space part way, get out, move the cart (hopefully to the cart corral), and get back in the car to finish parking. Annoying.

I suppose I could come up with other annoyances, but that’s not the point of this article.

My point has to do with perspective. Notice that I deliberately left out any mention of the offending party. That was on purpose. In most of these cases, they are anonymous.

I don't know if the person who dumped that TV was avoiding a disposal fee they couldn't afford or just didn't want to deal with it. I don't know if the bad parker was having the worst day of their life or is genuinely oblivious. I don't know if the cart-abandoner was juggling three kids and a full grocery load or just didn't care.

We’re all annoying. Judging from the reactions I get from people close to me, such as family and co-workers, I’m one of the most annoying people I know. It’s not like I try to be annoying.

Working toward self-differentiation means we don’t attach the act to a value judgment about the person. Sure, it might seem like there are no excuses for some of the offenses that I mentioned. But, demonizing the offender is not helpful to functioning as a healthy person. Its effect is more on you than on the offender.

A self-differentiated person can get annoyed by something but understand that the other is a flawed human being, just like the rest of us.

A non-anxious leader can extend grace to others, even when they may feel offended. This is what it means to know what you believe, can express it in non-anxious ways, but can provide the emotional space to allow others to be different.

This is important in your family, your workplace and your congregation.

So, go ahead and get annoyed. But don’t let it affect the relationship.

And just think, without the illegally dumped flat-screen TV, I might not have had this blog post. Sometimes even other people's poor choices can become gifts—if we let them teach us something about grace.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations emphasize the importance of knowing what matters to you.

​How a Weak Sense of Self Encourages Bad Behavior from Kellogg Insight. This is a deep dive on the relationship between knowing self and moral behavior. It's a reminder to take time to reflect on your goals and values, as this will help you stay focused on what's important.

​A System for Finding Your Purpose [Ikigai] - Ben Meer If you're not jumping out of bed each morning excited to face the day, this article will help you reflect on what might need to change.

Podcast

Episode 340 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Stop Taking Responsibility for Other People’s Problems (And Start Delegating Anxiety Instead), is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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