Hi Reader,
​
Happy September! We spent nearly the entire month of August with our various grandchildren. This week's post is an update I wrote five years ago. I hope you find it helpful.

Intergenerational Transmission Isn't Always Dysfunctional

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We tend to think of intergenerational transmission as dysfunctional. Patterns of conflict, addiction and abuse are just a few of the dysfunctions that get passed from generation to generation. But positive patterns get transmitted, as well.

When we were raising our four children I loved being with our parents. We enjoyed their company. It also meant a break from the demands of parenting.

When we were at my parents’ house or in-laws’ house we rarely if ever had to cook, clean or even closely supervise our children. If we spent the night, it meant getting up just long enough to make sure that one of the grandparents was watching the kids before going back to get bed to get an extra hour or two of sleep.

I don’t think I took it for granted. I was grateful. But I was often so tired and overwhelmed that it was just nice to know that I could count on the kind of help our parents provided.

Now that I am a grandparent myself, I can’t help doing the same for our children. This is what positive intergenerational transmission looks like.

Intergenerational transmission is the set of unwritten rules and automatic behaviors that are transmitted from one generation to the next. We usually don’t think about it because it happens automatically.

In family systems theory we often talk about the negative aspects of intergenerational transmission, but good things get passed on, too.

Now, when I am with our grandchildren, I want to do everything possible to care for them. Part of it is getting a chance to bond with them in a very special way. But I believe the deeper part of it is this idea that this is what grandparents do. It’s automatic. I am like a moth attracted to a light at dusk. I can’t help myself.

That said, I know that caring for grandchildren early in the morning or holding an infant while everyone else is eating is giving us a closeness that will last our entire lives. I also take pleasure in knowing that our children and their spouses are getting a little bit of a break. I know the demands of parenting are relentless. I know that we can’t do it for them and that they will find their way through. But I like the fact that we can give them a break every now and then. It’s a win-win-win. It’s good for us. It’s good for them. And it’s good for our grandchildren

That’s the positive side of intergenerational transmission.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations can help you be a better family member and leader.

​This Is How To Be An Awesome Parent: 5 Expert Insights by Eric Barker. This article can help you deal with children, as well as those who act like them.

​The Key to Being a Safe Person Who Fosters Safe Relationships - Matt Norman Regardless of who you are dealing with, this article can help you self-differentiate to create healthy emotional space.

Podcast

Episode 346 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 6 Ways Self-Differentiation Builds Leadership Courage – Part 1 of 2, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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