Hi Reader,
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This week's post is my take on some of President Donald Trump's recent actions. It's not political. It's applying a family systems lens to his leadership style.

Also, I've had to postpone the next Pod of Positive Intelligence due to scheduling issues. You can see the new dates below. Thanks!

Should You Love Your Enemies or Punish Them?

​Read on the Blog​

In his book, David and Goliath, Malcolm Gladwell notes how British oppression in Northern Ireland backfired. He focuses on the early 1970’s when the British Army executed house to house searches (often using forcible entry), curfews and internment without trial to suppress a movement supporting Northern Ireland leaving the UK to join a united Ireland.

These actions increased opposition to the UK and fueled the rise the Irish Republican Army (IRA) and its violent tactics of resistance. This is not to condone the IRA’s tactics.

It illustrates, as Gladwell rightly notes, that when that when those with authority use excessive force and/or are perceived as unfair, power actually diminishes, rather than increases.

This is the family systems principle of a conflict of wills.

A conflict of wills occurs when you try to convince another that you are right, and they are wrong. Research shows that when you do this, the other is more likely to dig in and push back harder. This is true whether it is a member of your family, congregation, organization or country.

I am reminded of this because President Donald Trump is engaging in a campaign of punishing his enemies that I have not seen in my lifetime in the US. He is deporting immigrants without due process, removing the security details of those who opposed him, cutting off the funding of universities, and imposing tariffs on trade partners.

I believe this is poor leadership.

Sure, I don’t agree with Donald Trump’s politics. But that’s not my point. It’s process, not content. Even if I did agree with Trump, I believe he is unnecessarily creating a conflict of wills with his opponents. He seems to think that raw power wins. In the short run, it often does. But I believe it will ultimately backfire.

I believe non-anxious leaders are effective because they love their enemies, not hate (or punish) them.

That doesn’t mean they agree with them or condone their actions. It also doesn’t mean that appropriate boundaries aren’t enforced. But when they are, they’re done calmly and firmly. It does mean that they don’t try to impose their will or define others as evil just because they disagree.

In David and Goliath, Gladwell cites the principle of legitimacy. This states that for authority to be effective and sustainable, it must be perceived as legitimate by those who are governed. This requires three things:

1. Fairness: Rules and their enforcement must be applied impartially.
2. Voice: People must be able to speak freely and believe that their voice is heard.
3. Predictability: Rules must be consistent and transparent.

When a leader punishes those that disagree, none of these things are true.

In contrast, self-differentiated leaders put the mission of the organization above personal gain. They know that power that’s not used for the sake of the mission will be perceived as unpredictable and unfair. They also know that giving people the freedom to express what they believe creates healthy emotional connection and healthy emotional space, even when there is disagreement.

Loving your enemies makes this possible.

This is not only the admonition that Jesus gives in Matthew 7:44, it’s also good leadership.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. led the most influential social and political movement of my lifetime, and he did it without political power. One of his principles of non-violence was to win the friendship and understanding of the opponent, not to humiliate them. Or, as Dr. King said, "Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

The power of a non-anxious presence is that they don’t try to tell others how to live their lives. They can define self without defining others. Or, as I like to say, non-anxious leaders say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree.

The hard part is staying emotionally connected to those who disagree. That is, to show you have care and concern for them, even when they oppose you. It’s not fun, but you can’t lead without doing this.

I could be wrong about Trump’s tactics. They may work. But for me, through the grace of God, I’m choosing to love my enemies, not punish them.

Recommendations

Here are two very short posts from Seth Godin. I find both point toward the need for non-anxious leaders.

​We can agree about schismogenesis | Seth's Blog The Greek root means the "creation of division." It's the pattern of reactivity that reinforces opposition between two parties. Instead, non-anxious leaders take responsibility for self.

​Division is easier than connection | Seth's Blog If you want to make a difference, connection is essential. That's leadership.

Podcast

Episode 327 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, My Take on Joe Rigney’s War on Empathy, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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