Hi Reader,
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This week is all about how to recognize and respond to surrounding togetherness pressure. I hope you find it helpful. Thanks for reading!

Garbage Cans, Masks and Surrounding Togetherness Pressure

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There’s one thing I know: when a holiday falls on a Monday, all garbage collection moves back by one day that week. After one holiday weekend, I went online to verify that our usual Wednesday trash pickup had been moved to Thursday, even though I already knew this would be the case. It was.

However, when I woke up Wednesday morning, all the other neighbors had their cans out on the street. I said to my wife, “I’m SURE tomorrow is collection day. But everybody else has their cans out.”

She asked, “Do you want to be right or…?”

It’s good question because I like to be right. But I also didn’t want to have my recyclable can stuffed for the next two weeks. So, I succumbed to surrounding togetherness pressure. I put the cans out.

Sure enough, no collection on Wednesday. I had the satisfaction of knowing I was right. But I also had the shame of knowing I had buckled to surrounding togetherness pressure.

This illustrates that surrounding togetherness pressure isn’t always intentional. Usually, it’s not. It’s the unthinking ways that we conform to the norms of the system we are in, whether it’s a family, church, organization or neighborhood.

I don’t believe that my neighbors were trying to shame me into conforming to their norms. I don’t think they really care if my recycling can is overflowing for two weeks. But I felt the pressure.

When you’re feeling pressure to conform don’t blame others. Remind yourself that the pressure is in you and that you have the option to decide how to respond.

You can conform, which is what I did. But I didn’t do it because I felt like I had to be like everyone else. I weighed the pros and cons of not conforming and realized that there was really no downside to conforming. AND there was a huge downside to NOT conforming. Every situation is different. Awareness and intentionality are the key.

Surrounding togetherness pressure can be a good thing, too. It can create a desire to conform for the common good, like wearing a mask during the pandemic.

Side note: Whatever you thought of mask wearing, they did make one demonstrable difference. There were only about 700 flu-related deaths in the 2020-2021 flu season compared to 22,000 deaths the year before.

Early in the pandemic, I was in a grocery store. During my time there I noticed two people who weren’t wearing masks. Surprisingly, one of them was a store employee.

What struck me was how quickly a norm had been established. Two months prior, a mask in a store meant a robbery. Now a person without one was the oddball.

What also struck me was that sometimes the pressure to conform creates a feeling of rebellion in us. Sometimes we don’t want to conform because we don’t like the pressure of the herd mentality. That was a part of what I was feeling with the garbage cans. I suppose that’s maybe why some people don’t wear a mask. But maybe not.

I’ve learned a couple things over the years. One is not to judge peoples’ actions, but to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they forgot their mask and didn’t even realize they weren’t wearing one. We never really know what another’s situation is like. Giving others the benefit of the doubt has saved me a lot of angst.

Another thing I’ve learned is nobody likes to be told what to do. I’m not sure there’s a good way to tell a total stranger what they should do with their life, including to wear a mask. And I’ve realized that I can only take responsibility for myself. So, when somebody wasn't wearing a mask, I just did my best to steer clear of them.

When you’re facing surrounding togetherness pressure, whether real or perceived, you have two choices: conform or not conform. Either way is fine as long as you take responsibility for your choice. Conforming or not isn’t what matters. It’s whether or not your own anxiety makes things worse.

This week take a look around you. Notice the things that create pressure to conform. Notice how you respond. Ask yourself if you’d like to do it differently. If so, try it. If you do it with awareness and intentionality, taking responsibility for your own choice, you’re likely to be better off for it.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations provide more ways to respond with integrity in the moment of choice when facing surrounding togetherness pressure.

​Staying Smart When Others Are Anxious by Kathleen Smith. This article notes that recognizting emotional intensity (think anxiety) is the first step in responding rather than reacting. She gives some great examples of what this looks like.

​Ten Ways to Defy Today Dr. Sunita Sah. The author's recent book, Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demands Yes, contends that defiance can be a positive force for personal and societal change. The article shows what that looks like (which definitely looks like self-differentiation to me).

Podcast

Episode 335 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 5 Ways to Lead during a Societal Regression, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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