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This week's post is another re-cap from a podcast episode. I hope you find it helpful. Thanks for reading.

Self-differentiation Is NOT Selfishness: Ego Strength vs. Egomania

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In this thought-provoking blog post, Egomania vs. ego strength, Seth Godin inspired me to explore the difference between self-differentiation and selfishness—a distinction that’s crucial for anyone striving to be a non-anxious leader.

Godin writes, “People talk about ego like it’s a bad thing, but our desire to do a good job, our self-trust, our willingness to dance with fear—these are fuel, if used properly. Egomania pushes us to ignore useful feedback, to bristle at input and to refuse to do the work to get better at our craft. It’s actually a sign of fear and weakness. Ego strength, on the other hand, makes us eager to learn more, engage with the market and figure out what it will take to have the project actually succeed.”

This distinction is powerful. Too often, people confuse self-differentiation—the ability to define oneself while staying emotionally connected to others—with selfishness. But family systems theory teaches us that these are not the same. Self-differentiation is about balancing individuality with togetherness, while selfishness disconnects us from others.

Let’s clarify the difference between ego strength and egomania.

According to this article from PsychCentral, “ego” is the core sense of self—a unique expression of personhood that exists in relation to others. A healthy ego allows us to be distinct individuals while remaining connected. In family systems theory, this is self-differentiation: defining ourselves without cutting off emotionally from those around us.

Egomania, however, is self-preoccupation. Egomaniacs may be self-defined but lack emotional connection with others, like narcissists. The difference?

Narcissists can see others’ perspectives but don’t care; egomaniacs can’t see them at all.

Both are selfish, while self-differentiated people simply know who they are in relation to others.

Ego strength, as described by PsychCentral, is “a cultivated resiliency or strength of our core sense of self, the extent to which we learn to face and grow from challenging events or persons in our lives in ways that strengthen our relationships with ourselves and others, and enrich our lives with meaning.” Ego strength helps us face life’s challenges without letting them become problems. Our connections become sources of strength, not places to escape responsibility.

A lack of ego strength leads to blaming others or unhealthy dependence. People with weak ego strength avoid discomfort, hold rigid expectations, and react from fear and anxiety. This reactivity blocks the development of a healthy ego and causes us to repeat problematic patterns.

Self-differentiation, in contrast, is about taking responsibility for self. It’s not selfish—it’s the opposite. By focusing on our own growth and regulation, we become better family members, team members, and leaders.

The characteristics of well-developed ego strength include resiliency, optimism, and the ability to handle challenges. Such individuals tolerate discomfort, regulate their emotions, and focus on building strengths rather than dwelling on weaknesses. They believe in their own inner resources and allow others to face their own challenges, staying connected without overfunctioning or enabling.

Non-anxious leaders don’t take things personally. They regulate their own anxiety and give others ownership of their problems, exuding confidence in themselves and others. The next time someone equates self-differentiation with selfishness, remember, taking responsibility for yourself and being a non-anxious presence is the best thing you can do for those you care about and lead.

AI was used to create this blog post from Podcast Episode 109: Self-Differentiation Is Not Selfishness, which was then edited by a human (me).

Recommendations

Non-anxious leaders are authentic. This week's recommendations unpack what that looks like.

When Authentic Leadership Backfires by Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic. Non-anxious leaders are authentic, but they also show discretion. This article provides some great guidelines for self-regulation to increase your non-anxious presence.

The Authenticity Myth - Admired Leadership Field Notes This article makes the case that authenticity is less about transparency and more about consistency. What do you think?

Podcast

Episode 355 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Three Ways Non-Anxious Leaders Respond to Political Division (Rebroadcast), is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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