Hi Reader,

Happy Tuesday! I have two offerings coming up:

The next round of Positive Intelligence.

A four-week book study on Edwin Friedman's A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix

You can get more details below. Respond to this email if you have any questions. Thanks!

Leadership through Self-differentiation Part 4 of 4: Creating Space for Integrity in the Moment of Choice

​Read on the Blog​

One of the most important skills you can develop as a leader is the ability to regulate yourself in the presence of other people’s anxiety. You already know how quickly reactivity can take over. The primitive parts of the brain are wired to respond before you have time to think, and while that helped our ancestors survive sabertoothed tigers, it doesn’t serve you well in a staff meeting, a family conversation, or a tense moment in your congregation. The challenge is learning to respond without being swept up in the emotional process around you.

Self‑regulation is the way you create space between stimulus and response. That space is where thoughtful leadership lives. When you can pause—even briefly—you shift from automatic reactions to intentional choices. You move from the fight‑or‑flight system to the part of your brain capable of clarity, curiosity, and connection.

The first step is recognizing your own reactivity.

You WILL feel anxious inside. That’s normal. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety but to avoid letting it drive your behavior. A simple pause interrupts the automatic response. Deep breathing helps even more. Slow, intentional breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system, i.e. your rest and digest system. When you breathe deeply, you stimulate the physiological response needed to think clearly.

The next challenge is avoiding a conflict of wills. Anxiety pulls you toward arguing, defending, or giving in. None of these responses help. A useful guideline is: don’t argue, don’t agree. Instead, stay connected without being pulled into the emotional intensity. A simple statement like “Thank you for sharing; I can tell this is important to you” maintains connection without escalating the process.

Reflective listening is another powerful tool. Asking open‑ended questions keeps you present without becoming reactive. Questions that begin with who, what, where, when, or how help the other person explore their own feelings. Avoid “why,” which often increases the other’s frustration. Over time, these questions help dissipate anxiety because they shift the focus from emotional intensity to thoughtful exploration. Curiosity is a superpower.

Practicing reflective listening in low‑stakes situations builds the muscle memory you need when the stakes are higher. Routine conversations at work, church, or home are ideal places to practice. The more familiar you become with open‑ended questions, the easier it is to use them when you’re anxious.

At appropriate moments, reflect back what you sense the other person is feeling. Statements like “You’re feeling angry,” “I sense you’re frustrated,” or “You feel hurt” help people feel understood. Even if you misread the emotion, most people appreciate the effort. Combined with open‑ended questions, this approach often allows the emotional intensity to dissipate quickly.

Sometimes, though, the other person wants an immediate response. When that happens, buy yourself time. A simple statement such as “I’d like to think and pray about this; let me do that and get back to you” creates space for intentionality. You still need to follow up, but you’ll do so with greater clarity and integrity.

Integrity in the moment of choice means staying true to your values and goals even when you feel anxious. The smaller the gap between stimulus and response, the more likely you are to react automatically. Expanding that gap gives you room to act with intention. Mindfulness helps here. Observing what’s happening—externally and internally—without judgment allows you to see the emotional process more clearly.

Self‑awareness and intentionality work together. You need to know your beliefs, values, and goals, and you need the capacity to act on them. When you take time to breathe, observe, and think, you increase the likelihood that your response will reflect who you are rather than the anxiety around you.

Reflection and preparation strengthen this capacity. After an anxious moment, take time to ask yourself what happened, how you responded, and how you want to respond next time. This doesn’t guarantee perfection, but it increases the odds that you’ll do better. Preparation works the same way. Many anxious situations are predictable. Anticipating them—and rehearsing your response—helps you stay grounded when the moment arrives.

Over time, these practices help you regulate your own anxiety, avoid automatic responses, stay emotionally connected, and take responsibility for self without taking responsibility for others. You won’t get it right every time. None of us do. But even one non‑anxious presence can shift an entire relationship system in a healthier direction. Through God’s grace, you can be that presence.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations continue with the theme of self-regulation.

​The leadership skill no one teaches by Tony Martignetti. This article distinguishes between being responsive and reactive. It offers "Four Tests for the Pause" that can help you as a non-anxious leader.

​Fast Versus Timely - Admired Leadership Field Notes If you, like me, want to wait until the "last responsible moment," this article will help.

Podcast

Episode 391 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 6 Responses to Stress and How to Make Them Work for You, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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