Hi Reader,
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I'm back! This week's post is a reminder that self-differentiation is not about what we do but whether we are clear about what we believe.

Also, I was interviewed recently for The Church Renewal Podcast. It ended up being a two-part episode. The first segment, Leading with Courage, dropped last week. Part 2, Leading Through the Anxiety, drops this Thursday, October 16. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

Be Careful How You Define Yourself

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“Now, with God’s help, I shall become myself.”

Søren Kierkegaard

My early experience in the work world was in the auto industry. It was common for someone to work 40+ years, retire at age 65, then die six months after retirement. Most of us assumed they didn’t have much of a life outside of their work world and the stress of living without it resulted in serious health problems.

Pastors can experience the same thing. I had a colleague tell me that her transition from pastoral ministry to retirement was difficult. She shared the comment of another pastor who said it’s like being put out to pasture and no longer needed.

Self-differentiation has two components, self-definition and emotional connection. When who you are is tied up in what you do, a major change like retirement or a new job disrupts both elements causing you to feel adrift and without purpose.

We often define ourselves based on our roles. Pastor, parent, leader, spouse, child, executive director, sibling. The list goes on and on, but most roles include work or family.

At first glance, you would think that family roles are much more stable than work roles. But even those roles eventually change as people die, not to mention disruption through other means such as conflict and divorce.

Family systems theory is helpful because it focuses self-definition on values, which transcend our roles. Healthy self-definition enables us to apply what we believe to any situation, regardless of our roles. Values such as faith, compassion, justice, stewardship or integrity (just to name of few), can be guiding principles which we apply in our work relationships and our families.

Self-definition based on values helps you to think in terms of who you want to be, not so much what you do. You’re a human being, not a human doing. When you understand yourself in this way, you can better apply your values to what you do.

Life’s transitions are still hard. All change is loss. But being intentional about how you define yourself can reduce the chances that you are blind-sided by the inevitable changes that come your way.

The Kierkegaard quote at the top of this post is the essence of self-differentiation. Self-definition is not dependent on your work, family or any other system of which you are a part. It is sacred work, empowered by God's grace, so that you can become who you are meant to be.

This quote inspired my podcast sign-off, “Go be yourself.” May it be so.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations will help you reflect on how you manage two different forms of anxiety.

The Anxiety You’ve Never Heard Of (But Have Definitely Felt) - Sunita Sah. This subtack post and Ted Talk explain "insinuation anxiety," which is when you feel tension between your values and surrounding togetherness pressure. This is a must view video.

How Distance Leads to Overinvolvement - by Kathleen Smith This is a great breakdown of how discomfort in a relationship leads to triangling something else. There's something for everyone in this post.

Podcast

Episode 352 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, How “Fogging” Can Help You Be a Non-Anxious Presence, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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