Hi Reader,
​
This week's post shows that high achievers are not immune to "comparisonitis." Perhaps that's what drives their achievement in the first place, but it's not a healthy way to live. Let me know what you think.

How Do You Define Yourself?

​Read on the Blog​

Two of my favorite authors are Adam Grant and Simon Sinek. I have recommended their books on my Two for Tuesday emails. I find them insightful, innovative and compelling. I believe their work has made me a better leader.

I was listening to Sinek’s newest book and was amused to hear him talk about the competition he felt over the years with Adam Grant. He admitted that he would regularly check the author rankings. If he ranked higher than Grant, he would gloat. If Grant was ranked higher, he felt annoyed.

Sinek went on to say that this all changed when he and Grant were invited to share the stage at a conference. They had spoken at conferences before, but they had never shared the stage. To make things even more uncomfortable, the organizers asked each author to introduce the other. Sinek went first and told Grant he made him feel insecure, and his work exhibited strengths that exposed Sinek’s weaknesses. Grant responded by saying the insecurity was mutual. Sinek and Grant have gone on to be good friends and worthy rivals.

This story got me thinking about how we define ourselves. When we are defining ourselves in comparison to another person, we are not self-differentiating. Comparisons are a fool’s game. They can make us feel mistakenly superior or irrationally inferior to another. Further, instead of taking responsibility for self, we focus on others. Instead of trying to get better at what we do, we focus on trying to be better than someone else. This might work in the short term and get results, but it will likely result in greater anxiety and less ability to regulate emotions.

One of the healthiest things we can do is focus on our own efforts without worrying about results. If things go well, we can be grateful. If they don’t, we can learn from it.

Another thing we can do is to celebrate the successes of others. Whether it’s a family member, a coworker or even somebody else who is in the same line of work as us (you might call this a competitor), their success does not define who we are. Developing feelings of resentment, envy and/or inferiority will make it even harder to take responsibility for ourselves, and even harder to make our best efforts.

On the other hand, when we celebrate what other people do, it can inspire us. It can be a reminder that, we too, can give our best effort. We can focus on who we are, what we believe and how we live our values. We can take responsibility for self, without worrying about how we compare to others. This will make us better leaders.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations will help you take responsibility for your growth as a leader.

​To Improve Yourself You Must Know Yourself by Nat Eliason. Self-differentiation is about knowing who you are. Or, as Edwin Friedman said, where you end and another begins. This article is a reminder to stop focusing on what others are doing and figure out whether what you are doing best suits YOU.

​What Sets Inspirational Leaders Apart by Adam D. Galinsky. This article shares three characteristics of inspirational leaders and four practices that can help you get there. It's a deep dive but is worth your time.

Podcast

Episode 322 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 5 Ways Self-Differentiation Builds Resilience (Rebroadcast), is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

P.S. If you are new to Two for Tuesday, you can read previous editions HERE.

P.P.S. If this was forwarded to you by a friend, you can subscribe here.