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This week's newsletter is full of family systems material. I hope you find it helpful. Thanks for reading.

Four Permissions to Give Yourself (and Others)

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I once ran a leadership program led by Bill Selby, founder of the Center for Pastoral Effectiveness of the Rockies. At the beginning he counseled participants to give themselves four permissions. They are great guidelines for how to handle yourself, as well as treat others.

Permission to say “No”

This is at the heart of self-differentiation. When we are unable to say “No” in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure, we lose a little of ourselves. We lose a little “self.” Self-differentiation is about being a self, while staying emotionally connected.

This is not about being selfish, it’s about knowing who you are, what you believe, and what you need.

Sometimes we say “Yes” because we want to please. If we do this knowingly, and don’t get resentful, that’s OK. But if we are succumbing to pressure to conform, then we can end up getting resentful, and that’s not healthy.

Knowing when you are unwilling or unable to do something is about knowing yourself. Saying “No” when this is the case is taking care of yourself.

Likewise, giving this same permission to others creates healthy emotional space. It enables others to feel they can define themselves without you trying to define them. It keeps you from being the one who creates surrounding togetherness pressure.

Permission to ask for what you need

This is related to the first permission. Knowing how to take care of yourself means you can ask for what you need. The pressure to conform can sometimes cause us to withhold this permission from ourselves.

We were standing in a circle when Bill shared this permission. One of the participants was dealing with sore feet from plantar fasciitis. She asked if she could sit in a chair instead of standing up. Yes! Permission to ask for what you need.

Again, giving others this same permission is self-differentiation. You can’t tell them what they need. You can’t read their minds either. You may not be able to meet their needs. But giving the freedom to ask encourages healthy relationships.

Permission to make mistakes

This seems obvious. It’s simple, but not easy. You can tell yourself it’s OK to make mistakes, but there are voices in your head from your family of origin that will contradict this. Working through the anxiety that comes from unresolved relationships can help you overcome this.

Giving yourself this permission will make you more likely to take appropriate risks; to try something new to move your life or your work forward. It will enable you to see everything you do as a potential learning experience. As Seth Godin says, unless you are saying, “This might not work,” you’re playing it too safely.

Giving others this permission will help you lead a team that is innovative because they’re not afraid to try. That’s a gift to those you work with and the organization you serve.

Permission to rethink

This is a corollary to the previous permission. Just because “we’ve always done it this way before,” doesn’t mean we have to keep it up. Sometimes when things aren’t working, sometimes when we make mistakes, we just need to stop and rethink. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

We can be afraid to rethink because it means we might have to let go of strongly held assumptions. This is the heart of surrounding togetherness pressures. But it’s all in your head, literally. Rethinking is an academic exercise. It’s a way to get some perspective and healthy emotionally distance from the situation at hand. You may rethink it, then decide you don’t need to change what you’re doing. Or you might decide you don’t want to be insane.

Giving others this permission is more subtle than the other permissions. If you come across as demanding that they rethink, it’s defining them, not yourself. Nobody likes to be told what to do.

If you can invite someone to rethink, without pressuring, then you give them the freedom to make their own choice. At this point, it’s up to them. But giving permission helps them to work toward self-differentiation.

These four permissions are great guidelines for how to function in your family of origin and in your organization. Give them a try.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations dive into family systems theory.

​The Enmeshed Family and 6 Signs of Toxic Behavior by Dr. Alison Cook. This article shows what it looks like when people don't give themselves or others the four permissions. Understanding the lack of boundaries can help you get better at setting your own without blaming yourself or others.

​No amount of therapy will replace calling your mother. Or your cousin by Kathleen Smith. Doing your own family of origin work requires emotional courage and emotional connection. As Smith notes, you never graduate from your family. This article shows how leaning into emotional connection can help you.

Podcast

Episode 321 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Two Levels of Self-Differentiation (Rebroadcast), is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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