Hi Reader,
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It's Thanksgiving week for those of you in the U.S. Regardless, gratitude and self-differentiation go together year-around. If nothing else, please read (and follow) the opening quote. You'll be glad you did. Enjoy!

Emotional Connection and Gratitude

​Read on the Blog​

“And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’”

— Kurt Vonnegut

My wife and I once attended a wedding reception where we knew we would know very few people. It was a commitment we willingly took on. Here’s the background.

Charles started attending the afterschool program that we were involved with when he was in seventh grade. From the very beginning he stood out as a natural leader and somebody who could go places. Charles attended the youth center all the way through high school, transitioning to more of a volunteer leader then a participant. He graduated from high school, went to college and worked for two summers at the camp that I served.

It has been gratifying and inspiring to watch Charles grow up.

When we got the invitation to Charles 'wedding reception we immediately accepted. We knew that we had to go, even if it was likely that we would know very few people there except Charles. This was one of those commitments that we willingly took on because we had an emotional connection with Charles that had developed over many years.

The wedding ceremony was private, but we were invited to the reception. We arrived on time, but we were early because the wedding party had gotten held up in traffic getting to the reception. We settled ourselves in, ready to embrace the experience.

Even so, I felt a bit uncomfortable not knowing anyone there and not knowing what to expect. The families of the bride and groom come from two different cultures, neither of which are my own. I know from systems theory that families have their own rituals and ceremonies which are largely based in the culture from which they come. It’s not that I was afraid, it’s just the uncertainty was something I had to deal with. Fortunately, my awareness of this uncertainty enabled me to embrace it with intentionality.

As we were waiting it became clear that each family was going to serve a buffet of their favorite foods. This was not hard to embrace. We love all different kinds of food. In addition, one of the traditions is to have a mechanical bull at family celebrations. We got to watch mostly young people ride the bull and have a great time.

When Charles did arrive at the reception, we had a moment to share our congratulations and reminisce about some of the things that connected us. It wasn’t a lot of time, but we sent him on his way knowing that he (or as my wife pointed out, his wife really) was the center of attention.

We spent the rest of the time eating good food, chitchatting with family members and observing the festivities. We then had cake, shared a toast, got a couple pictures and went on our way.

I saw the Vonnegut quote in an email that I received the same morning. It made me think of my experience at the wedding reception and our emotional connection with Charles (and now his new wife). I thought with gratitude, if this isn’t nice, I don’t know what it is.

Recommendations

This week's recommendation can help you be grateful in a positive way.

​When Gratitude Turns Toxic - Spark Insights by Laura Nguyen This is a powerful article that articulates the difference between gratitude that results from surrounding togetherness pressure and gratitude that results from self-differentiation. It has a great graphic, as well as reflection questions and a suggestion to increase authentic gratitude. Great stuff!

​Turning Off Your Anxious Scanner - by Kathleen Smith This isn't about gratitude, but it goes well with the first recommendation. It's a reminder to focus on your own functioning, instead of that of others. When you do this, it will help you develop gratitude without resentment.

Podcast

Episode 358 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 7 Ways Leaders Get Stuck and What to Do about It – Part 2 of 2, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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