Hi Reader,
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This week's post is a reminder that when you get frustrated with people, look at the systems in which they function. It has more to do with it than you think.

A Tale of Two Systems

​Read on the Blog​

In two consecutive days, I had back-to-back experiences with Motor Vehicle and a large bank. Which do you think was worse?

It wasn't what I expected.

Both experiences were related to my work as the executor of a family member's estate.

One task was to transfer a vehicle from the deceased to another family member. I live in Maryland, so I went on the MD MVA website to figure out how to do it.

I easily found instructions and then was advised to make an appointment. The website collected all the information needed so that when I arrived for my appointment, I would only need to provide documentation, such as the title, death certificate and letters of administration.

Ten minutes before my appointment, I received a text message with a link to click when I arrived, just as if I was picking up an online order at a grocery or big box store.

When I arrived, every one of the dozen or so staff had people in their carrel, but there was no one else waiting. The big screen TV showed that my appointment number was first on the list. I waited about two minutes.

It took about 15 minutes to take care of the transaction. I was amazed. Who'd have thought that MVA would be so efficient, especially in its use of technology? I'd go as far as to say it was pleasurable.

The next day I had to call the large bank to arrange automatic payment for the deceased's mortgage and equity line. I waited a bit on hold, then a nice representative expressed her condolences, confirmed that they had received the proper documentation, and went through the process to set up payment for the mortgage.

When I asked if she could make the same arrangements for the equity line, she told me that this was a separate department, and she would have to transfer me to a different part of the bank (Uh Oh!).

I waited on hold until the nice representative connected me with another nice representative who told me that they could not make arrangements for auto-payment until I had submitted the necessary documentation.

I was a bit agitated, but I calmly noted that I had already done that. She informed me that it was a different part of the bank and I would have to submit documents to their department (Ugh!).

I asked if they had a portal or email address where I could send the documents, just like I did with the other department.

Her response almost sent me over the edge.

"You can either mail or fax them."

I responded, "What's a fax?" I thought I was being funny, but I guess she didn't get the joke. Now I was getting irritated.

It's a good thing I've spent so much time on family systems theory and tools like Positive Intelligence so I could show up as a non-anxious presence in situations like this.

The voice in my head spoke to me calmly, but clearly. "It's not her fault."

At that point, I calmly requested the fax number and thanked her for help.

This is a long story. What's the point?

It's important to understand that systems influence, if not dictate, so much of what happens in life.

I don't think I would have been as irritated with the bank if things hadn't been handled so well at MVA. But both were mainly the result of their systems.

Relationship systems are no different. How we respond to any situation has a lot to do with our position in the system, as well as our position in other relationship systems.

For example, the leader, whether parent, pastor or president, is the most triangled position any system. The fact that they're being triangled has less to do with their personality and more to do with their position.

Further, how they respond to those triangles has more to do with their positioning and functioning in their own family of origin than it does with the current relationship system (more on that next week).

The point here is that before you blame people for what's happening, look at the system. It will help you to not take things personally and to remain a non-anxious presence.

A final note: the next time I deal with this bank I'll make sure to use the Pony Express.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations both have a family systems tilt.

​Who Are You Growing Up In Your Head? - by Kathleen Smith This article is a reminder that we often focus on other people's functioning, rather than our own. Smith provides some examples to help you recognize what that might look like for you.

​Embracing externalities | Seth's Blog Freedom is taking responsibility for self. A radical concept, but it's self-differentiation at its core.

Podcast

Episode 316 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 4 Things You Can Do If You’re Not Happy with the Current Administration, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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