Hi Reader,

Today is election day in the U.S. This post might help you if things don't go your way. Regardless, it's good advice for non-anxious leaders.
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What to Do When Things Don't Go Your Way

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One thing I used to tell parents when I was promoting summer camp is that when their child comes to camp, they won’t always get their own way. It’s true. Camp is about living in community. Campers have to work together, follow a schedule and sort out their differences.

This is a great thing for young people to learn. Life is hard. We don’t always get our own way. Learning how to deal with challenge is a part of growing up.

As leaders, we often encounter challenges where things don’t go the way we think they should. Effective leaders are able to remain a non-anxious presence, even in the face of very anxiety-producing situations. Here are three principles that help me.

Don’t Blame

Blame is a loser’s game. It avoids taking responsibility for your own position and your own response. A non-anxious presence realizes that the only thing they can control is how they will respond to challenge. Blaming others is a distraction that makes this harder, if not impossible.

Instead, take time to reflect on what this really means for you and how you will remain a non-anxious presence. Think in terms of what you will do about it in a positive, helpful way. Put feelings of helplessness aside.

Edwin Friedman reminds us that in the vast majority of circumstances, a major influence in the outcome is the response of the one being challenged. This is true for even the most challenging situations. Viktor Frankl, found that those who survived the holocaust, like himself, had one thing in common: they had a sense of purpose. Purpose gives hope, and hope sustains persistence. Blame does the opposite.

Don’t Get Defensive

This is the other side of the coin. Defensiveness is anxiously justifying your own anger or frustration. Like blaming, getting defensive not only hurts you, it also raises the anxiety level of others.

According to Psychology Today, defensiveness is one of the four patterns that lead to divorce (along with criticism, contempt and stonewalling). It’s easy to spot defensiveness in others. They are immature and unable to manage their emotions. Nobody likes to have a conversation with a defensive person.

When you get defensive you are not only avoiding taking responsibility for yourself, you are also pushing others away. It won’t help and will likely make things worse.

Show Grace and Respect

I will often share that people don’t negotiate their closely held values. I riff on why I think this is so in one of my early podcast episodes.

Here’s the thing: in the large majority of cases, the people with whom we disagree are not evil. They may be misguided (your opinion), but they are simply trying to live out their beliefs and values.

Showing grace and respect is not a negotiating ploy. It’s not going to change anybody’s mind. What it does is free you from focusing on the other, so you can focus on how you will respond to challenge.

None of these suggestions prevent you from taking a stand. They do prevent you from the distraction of worrying about your "opponents" instead of yourself. You may not get the result you’re looking for, but that’s life. Things don’t always go your way. How you respond can make things better or worse.

It’s your choice.

Recommendations

This week's receommendations dig deeper into how to handle things (or not) when things don't go your way.

​The Art of Indirect Confrontation from Admired Leadership. This is an alternative to blaming and defensiveness. The examples are extremelty helpful.

​Cut-Off and the Role of a Bowen Coach by Cecilia Guzman. One things you don't want to do is cut off emotionally. This article explains what this is, its impact and how you can deal with it.

Podcast

Episode 407 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, 4 Types of Boundaries and How to Manage Them, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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