Hi Reader,
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Understanding the different kinds of relationship conflict is essential to being a non-anxious leader. This is an excerpt from my most recent book, Everyone Loves a Non-Anxious Presence: Calm Down, Grow Up and Live Your Best Life, which was a #1 New Release on Amazon.

Not All Conflict Is Equal

There are three different kinds of conflict. Task. Values. Relationship.

Task conflict is when people disagree about how to get something done, who’s responsible or even how to define the goal or task.

Values conflict is a clash of identity or beliefs. Religious and social values fall into this category. When there is a values conflict, progress doesn’t occur unless someone changes their mind so that some kind of common ground or compromise can be reached. This is rare. I’ve learned over the years that people rarely negotiate their closely held values.

Relationship conflict occurs when there is tension or animosity that goes deeper than just disagreements about task or values. In this case there is a lack of self differentiation in one or both parties. Relationship conflict is characterized by the lack of taking responsibility for self. This includes blaming the other for one’s condition, defensiveness, resentment, and other forms of reactive or adaptive behavior.

When there is no relationship conflict, the other two types of conflict can be handled. In other words, because both parties are self-differentiated they can say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree.

The problem with relationship conflict is it makes task and values conflict harder to handle. When there is relationship conflict people confuse the different kinds of conflict. Task and values disagreements are taken personally and can result in deepening conflict and even emotional cutoff.

What’s important about distinguishing between the different types of conflict is being able to understand how to best manage the situation.

Ask yourself, “Am I taking responsibility for myself or am I somehow taking it out on the other person?” If you are taking responsibility for self, then the likelihood is that there is anxiety or pain that the other party is taking out on you. Either way, the key here is to understand the emotional process involved and avoid getting into a conflict of wills. Don’t argue, don’t agree.

The best thing you can do to reduce relationship conflict, as well as task and values conflict, is to maintain an open mind. This is the essence of self differentiation and being a non-anxious presence.

If you'd like to read the rest of the book, you can get a free digital copy HERE (No strings attached).

Recommendations

This week's recommendations both come from Admired Leadership, one of my new favorites to follow. They unpack the concept of relationship content from two different angles.

​People Often Express Relationship Conflict Through Content. This one emphasizes that it's often about emotional process (relationship conflict) and not the content. Recognizing the difference is a superpower.

​People Often Express Content Conflict Relationally. This is the converse. Sometimes people attack the person when they're unhappy with how the content (either values or task-related) is going. A non-anxious presence knows not to get caught in the triangle, but to stay connected in healthy ways to all parties. This may mean taking a non-anxious stand to affirm the content, even as you show your care and concern for the one who is upset.

Podcast

Episode 270 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, The Problem with Diagnosis (and How to Avoid It), is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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