Hi Reader,
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This week's post is a reminder to think through how you respond to a given situation to get clear on the forces that influence your actions. When you do this, you're able to show up as your best self more often. Let me know what you think.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

​Read on the Blog​

I once went for a long run on a brutally hot morning. The temperature was already 80°. Many organized running events will cancel if the start time temperature is above 80°. A few miles into the run I realized that my pace was about 30 seconds per mile faster than my normal long run pace. This might not seem like a lot, but for a recreational runner like me, it makes a big difference; especially for as hot as it was.

I realized I needed to slow down. My problem is that once I get started at a certain pace, I tend to have a hard time slowing down. Even when I try to slow down, I find myself going back to that pace from muscle memory.

I was getting pretty far into my run and my legs were starting to ache. I realized the best option was for me to run for a while, then walk occasionally, to give my legs a chance to recover. This way I would still meet my distance goal rather than cut my run short.

But I was resisting inside. I figured out the reason I was resisting is I didn’t want people to see me walk. I run frequently in my neighborhood, and I never walk. I was afraid that if people saw me walking, they would think I was weak. This was the story I was telling myself.

Whenever you are feeling resistance, fear, anxiety or reluctance, it’s good to ask, “What is the story I’m telling myself? Is it really true? Or is it just a story?”

There are two concepts that will help to unpack this.

The first is the Spotlight effect. Psychologists have shown that we tend to believe that people notice us more often than they actually do. We are not the center of their world. They are not shining a spotlight on us. We are the center of our own world, but nobody else cares all that much.

I realized this during my run. Nobody really cared if I was walking. I was reminded when I first became a runner about a decade ago, I liked to talk about it. Yet it seemed like nobody cared to hear. Now I never bring it up.

The other trap is Comparisonitis. Comparing ourselves to others is a loser’s game. We can always find people to make us feel good about ourselves. We can always find people to make us feel bad about ourselves.

There are people who walk around my neighborhood, run around my neighborhood and bike around my neighborhood. They are all different than I am. Their pace has nothing to do with my pace.

When I first started running, I read that Ryan Hall ran a half marathon in under an hour. It blew me away. That’s 13.1 miles in less than five minutes per mile for every mile. I can’t even run one mile in five minutes. I can’t even run a quarter mile in a five-minute pace. It was then that I realized that I shouldn’t compare myself to others and their running times.

So, I finished my long run. I did it by running and walking. I still felt pretty good because I finished without injury and without collapsing. I did it by questioning the story I was telling myself.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations will help you better self-differentiate.

​A System for Never People-Pleasing [5 Strategies] - Ben Meer People-pleasing occurs when we are feeling surrounding togetherness pressure, even if it's only in our minds. This article offers five practical suggestions to help you resist the temptation.

​The Painful Prerequisite to Change - Matt Norman Change isn't easy. Understanding how it works helps. This article will help you lean into the discomfort so you can change for the better.

Podcast

Episode 315 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, Managing Anxiety (Yours and Others’) with Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Acknowledge, Validate and Permit Strategy, is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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