Hi Reader,
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I had one annual conference last week and another this week. These are commitments to which I can't say No. That said, I DO enjoy seeing people I haven't seen for a while (in real life).

Here's this week's musing.

3 Things Non-Anxious Leaders Understand about Saying No

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”

Warren Buffett

I recently shared this quote with a colleague who said they were trying to organize their work, so they could delegate some tasks and reduce overwhelm. Not long after that I asked them if they could do something for me.

They responded by asking if I could find somebody else to do it. I responded, “Way to go! You’re channeling your inner Warren Buffett!“

I’ve noticed people who are trying to do good works have a tendency to want to please others. This is not a bad thing, except when we take on so much that we feel overwhelmed.

I’d have to say that, by Buffett’s definition, I’m not REALLY successful. I still take on too many things. I guess there is something about having an obsessive focus that is required. That’s not me.

That said, I am getting better at saying “No.” Here are three things I’ve learned.

The discomfort you are feeling is surrounding togetherness pressure.

When someone asks you to do something, and you’re feeling uncomfortable, that’s surrounding togetherness pressure. It’s your desire to please and/or to impress a family member, boss, colleague or congregant that is causing that discomfort.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t respond favorably to the request. But too many automatic yeses will end up making you feel overwhelmed eventually.

Surrounding togetherness pressure can instill the fear of offending, looking bad or displeasing. Ironically, knowing when to say no, and doing it in a non-anxious way, can increase the respect we receive from others.

Know your goals and values.

Integrity in the moment of choice is responding to requests in ways that are consistent with your goals and values. This is the heart of self-differentiation. If you don’t know what’s important to you, and you respond automatically to requests by others, you will certainly feel overwhelmed with all that you have to do.

This is where self-regulation comes in. Responding immediately makes it more difficult to reflect on whether saying yes is consistent with who you are and what’s important.

Saying, “I need a moment to think,” or better yet, “Let me get back to you in a few days,” will give you that time to think through whether saying yes is really what you want.

I’ll note that sometimes we do things that don’t necessarily move our professional goals forward. Relationship and personal goals may be a reason why you say yes, even if it’s not something you really want to do.

Take responsibility for your decision.

Regardless of whether you say yes or no, it’s your decision. Don’t resent someone because you agreed to do something. Or because you missed out on an opportunity because you said no.

Self-differentiation is about taking responsibility for self in a healthy way. When you own your decisions, you can get better at saying No.

I am far from perfect on this. I am learning. But I do know that the more I can focus on the things that are most important to me whether they be relationships, personal goals, or professional goals, the easier it is to say no to things that don’t impact them positively. I hope you can too.

Recommendations

This week's recommendations stick with the theme of saying no.

​A System for Saying "No" [5-Step Framework] - Ben Meer. It's actually this article that got me thinking about saying no. If you know you need to say no, but aren't sure how to do it, this is a must read.

​Learn to Respond Instead of React - Admired Leadership. This article gives insight into the kind of self-regulation and self-reflection that can prevent your automatic yeses.

Podcast

Episode 281 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast, The Zen of Self-Differentiation (Part 1 of 2), is now available.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading.

Peace,

Jack

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